I love to sleep.
It’s the only time I float in nothingness.
No sadness to consume me, no happiness to overwhelm me, no norms to conform to.
A place where time is a concept, reality is bent and will is just waiting to happen.
A place where everything is twisted… and I am OK with that.
"Goodbye",
I softly whispered as I have closed the door and welcomed the horizon
set before me. It seems endless… so vast and wide.
Been through this before. I have escaped… I came back. And now I am running away again.
My feet trod heavily as I hear the stone crunching under my weight. This is the start of another story in my life.
My emotions burdened and my mind in a haze.
A step, taking me farther from you. A mile, I am almost gone.
Will you ever notice I am not beside you anymore? Will you run after me like you did before?
Inside,
I am hoping that you would but then I know that it is better if you
don’t. Because if I see you, this determination would crumble in to
dust and I will find myself falling just like I used to and it is not
right. Nothing from the start was right, it was just the feeling but
then it is not enough. Maybe I have expected too much. Being with you
is enough compensation… so I thought. Then one thing lead to another
that I cannot explain. In the end, I find myself alone… even though
you were there.
So here I am, looking left and right… I am really alone. Why do I wonder about being alone when it has been my choice.
The moon shines with a cold light as I traverse this road.
Walked through this same path, only to find myself back from where I have started.
But I have made up my mind and there is no turning back.
All I wanted is to be free. Free from those things that hold me, free from the memories that bind me, free from you.
Slowly I make my way through this cold night, slowly breaking my heart
through my own accord. I can say it is sadistic… I am hurting myself.
But this is the only way I can do to make me realize that life is
really unfair and that I should bear that consequences of my act to
make me stronger. Not just for myself but for all that I am leaving
behind. This is a journey of sacrifice and realization… not a journey
of self-pity and pain.
Tears
cloud my vision, how can I go on? It feels like I am walking with no
direction. Even though I have nowhere to go, I am not lost. Being lost
are for those people who doesn’t know what to do. But I know what to
do… it is just that I don’t know where I am headed at. Pathetic, yes
it sounds pathetic but I am not lost at all. Maybe somewhere, somehow
along this road, something can give me a sense of direction.
It is dark.
Darkness
rules and shadows lurk in every corner but I am not scared. Why should
I be scared when this darkness covers me and gives me a feeling of
comfort through this lonely journey. It makes me feel at ease as I am
here on my own. I am not afraid.
Tiredness
crept in to my legs and I sit in this crossroad. Where will I go where
you cannot follow? You have known me so well that you know where I’ll
be. Do I leave marks behind as a clue to where I am or does your heart
leads the way? Do you search for me in your dreams or follow your
intuition? If I know the answer then maybe I can find a way for you not
to find me.
I stood up and went on with my way, praying that we’ll never cross path again… not at this time of my life.
A hundred miles, a thousand miles, a million miles away from you… that is my goal.
Now I am running away… forgive me if I do.
But the only way for me to
live another day is to go on without you.
Take some time to smile when you are sad, to rest when you are tired,
to love if you are feeling empty and to let go if you need to.
Time endures, time heals.
In this life, just take some time for yourself and everything will fall in to the right place.
Another year has passed and hey guess what? Another day is added… and today I officially turn 24.
Yay! It is my birthday… February 29. After four years of waiting, I have another official birthday. Why did I say official? Well there are three years that there is no February 29 in the calendar so my unofficial birthdays are February 28 and March 1.
Right now I am 6 years old. Hahaha, young and old at the same time.
Last night before I went to work my mother gave me a heads-up about my birthday. I am not sure if we will prepare anything… I got no budget for my birthday. Well maybe if I can spare something out of my wallet then maybe I could. But it is OK, it doesn’t matter somehow. I am still happy.
Tonight I wouldn’t be reporting for work. I already asked my supervisor that I would take a leave so I can spend some time alone in my birthday.
Since it is officially my birthday today, I will let you in to some things you might somehow not know about me.
24 Things You Might Not Know About Francois
1. Among siblings, I am the only one who got black hair and black eyes.
2. And also I am the only one that my father looks like.
3. I am the only gay among siblings.
4. I got asthma.
5. And I smoke (I know, I know… it is a bad habit).
6. I got a birthmark on the inside of my right arm.
7. I got a tattoo on my right leg.
8. There are four piercings in the upper lobe of my left ear (and counting).
9. My waistline never exceeded 29 inches.
10. I never owned a watch in my whole life.
11. That I have forgotten how to play the piano except for "Mary Had A Little Lamb".
12. I am agnostic.
13. My first lover was when I was 12.
14. At that age was also the first time I had my first sexual experience. (blush).
15. I date a lot but only got 5 serious relationships.
16. That I barely get angry but if I do then I guess I should wear a beware sign.
17. I love sad love songs (Warning: I am not EMO).
18. I love chocolates… it’s my weakness.
19. That I love dogs more than cats.
20. If I could sleep all day I would.
21. I am a frustrated model.
22. I like coffee.
23. That I love to swim but hates to get dark.
24. I feel happy whenever it rains.
So I guess that’s it.
And where is my gift?
Hahaha!!!
Seems like it was forever.
When the truth is it was just for a moment.
Covered by a blanket of emotional coldness.
It is such a torment.
Suffering, I shiver inside and my voice shakes.
Breath of freezing mist is all I have.
My voice falls down on my feet.
Tell me what does it mean, the word love?
The wind rages outside my small world.
Barrier of hard expanded vapor shielding me.
Reaching out to me.. calling out my name.
Yet I am blind, I cannot see.
I feel so numb, it hurts so much.
Everything goes around in a rush…
Can you feel it?
Just a moment to be like this.
Almost eternity.
Can’t you see me here.
Sitting in fake serenity.
Give me warmth in this burning winter.
My soul has been frozen…
Far beneath the snows of punishment.
Spring feels so far away.
Pain feels like nothing.
I feel it everyday.
In a wash of tender heat.
Thaw me away from here.
Let me see the light which isn’t really there…
Will the light take me?
Or will I take it…
It has been a year… exactly a year and 2 days.
Whatever it was, it is completely over. I was able to move on and erased the hurt and pain I had in my heart. It took me a long time to recover from the loss and to put the pieces of me back together. Time made me realize that there are so many things that lies ahead… things that might not be certatin but things that is worth the try.
It is completely over. Actually, it took me less than 365 days to let go and take the chance again. I am not afraid, instead I am stronger. What happened between us made me wiser. It taught me a lot of things. To learn when to hold on and when to let go, how to love truly and honestly, to know when to give yourself and sacrifice up to when to limit yourself, to love yourself first before putting others before you, to share yourself and still remain whole at the same time.
The moments and words shared between us will never be forgotten. How can you forget something that made you learn lessons in life that is priceless? How can you forget someone who has been a part of your life once upon a time? I cannot… for the past made me who I am at the present and will affect who I will be in the future.
How about the feelings?
It was there… before. But now it has lessen to the extent that I only feel apathy. I cannot remember how it was love you. Funny? Yes… it is funny. To think that before my heart is flowing with all the love I can give yet right here, right now… not even a single drop can be found.
No matter how great a love can be… after the hurt, it will always lessen until it dissolves in to nothing.
But that’s all right.
To lose it, I was able to go on with my life and be happy. To be without it makes the burden lighter. To not have it, I have seen the light of a new day. I am able to smile and laugh without pretension. I am able to frown and cry without having you as a reason. I am able to live again, to breathe again… to start all over again.
And it is a little more than a year… I am happy and I know that you are too.
This is just a piece of remembrance… something to make me remember of what we used to have. You might look back but I am not there anymore, look ahead of you and that’s where I’ll be. I am not walking behind the shadows of you, I have learned to run in to the light and see what is there for me.
I want to close my eyes.
So tired, so stressed out, so down.
And I looked out and noticed the gray skies. Soon little drops of heaven’s tear splashed on the glass. The little drops was replaced by torrents as the rain comes down; removing the dust in the air, cleansing the earth. Then I remembered… this is the first rain of the year.
I hurriedly went downstairs and walked among clusters of building in this metropolis. This place, it makes me feel suffocated. But this is one of the places among any other places where I am alive… they are all the same, there is no much difference. I ran through them, passing like a blur among the crowd. Faces… just faces… unknown to me and me unknown to them. I am a dice, like you are, like they are, like we all are. I cannot read my dots and neither can you read yours.
Catching my breath, I came in to an open space. And I stopped. I savoured the moment as I feel each drop quenching the heat I feel inside. As each drop sends a tingling sensation on my skin and a chill deep beneath it… right through my soul. So refreshing I said to myself.
It feels like all the energy that’s creeping out of me are slowly seeping back… the way the ground drank the sweet waters of heaven when it comes pouring down from its cheeks. I feel revived, like a phoenix from its own ashes. The way it feels made me smile, I can’t hide it in my face. I know I might’ve looked funny there and there. Someone who is being drenched in the rain, the face contorted with the effort of trying to conceal a smile and a creased forehead.
And in the end, I blurted out laughing. Why stop it? Why not just enjoy this moment when you know this is all you ever wanted to do? So I did… and it gives me such a natural high. Like I could almost touch the sky that brings forth this reviving waters.
People stared as they pass by. I don’t care… for once this first rain is all I ever had.
Time flies so fast and later tonight we will be welcoming yet another new year. Another year left and another one coming. There have been so many things that had happened this year and surely we will look back and reminisce on each one of them. This year has been full of good and bad memories, lessons learned and people met. I hope that the coming year would be as good as this one has been.
To my family and friends, thank you:
For the good times.
For the bad times.
For the tears.
For the laughter.
For the coffee and beers.
For the smokes and sweets.
For the friendship and love.
For the respect and trust.
For the companionship.
For the hugs and kisses. A
nd of course, I thank God for everything.
I wish you all a happy and blessed New Year.
I pray and hope we’d still be together until the next New Year comes.
How many people have came in our life and we had been thinking… he or she could be the one for us?
Some of us may say a couple of times, some may say a lot of times and there are those who are waiting for the right one to come and tell themselves… "It might be you."
Believe me, love like life… consists of trials and errors. There is no perfect relationship in this world. What makes a relationship somehow perfect is how we got along with each other through the imperfections. That is the beauty of loving, finding harmony and peace… like calm in the middle of a storm.
As what goes with loving is finding that someone you want to share your lifetime with. People come and go in our lives for a reason and each one of them teaches us a lesson. People we might think who are perfect for us for that time… but sooner or later we find out that they are not. We got hurt and we cry. It’s normal, really.
Finding a lifetime partner for some takes almost forever. They fall in love not with the person but with the idea of being in love that in turn the relationship doesn’t last that long. There are those who came to realize that they truly love the person and they end up losing themselves. Some thinks of finding the one person for them as a game or a challenge, that they change lovers every now and then, losing the essence of a real relationship and that’s when they found out that they might have passed by the one they are truly searching for. And there are people who knows how to balance their relationship, not all can do it but trying hard to maintain it is one good aspect.
All of us cannot do it, we are only human… we got limits too. We ran out of patience and understanding, we cannot hold out our anger and jealousy at times, moments that we burst out in an inappropriate place and at an inappropriate time, days that we are stubborn and don’t want to communicate and left out, being selfish and rude, hurting those we love.
But then, those emotions what makes us what we are. It is a matter of choice and control, of handling one’s self, showing who you are. To keep an open communication, an open heart and mind… to see things in a different light… to be sympathetic. Humans got a lot of flaws but that is the beauty of being human, the ability to change ourselves.
Don’t look too much… enjoy the journey… nobody said it would be easy but it is worth it. Every thing has got it’s own place and time. What you think could be perfect now could change in a matter of time. Never let your heart down if the one you think might be the one for you leaves and goes on with his journey… keep your head up high and do the same… move on and continue the journey. It only means that both of you are still looking for the one to spend their lifetime with. Someday, somewhere… maybe the two of you will meet again and that will be right time or maybe you will find someone who is also lost among the roads of life and then the two of you might not be lost anymore.
Who knows, sooner or later… after all the trials and errors… that person will come and you can say finally… "It’ll just be you."
I am not talking about the story but the whole book itself.
Yes, the story, "The Little Prince and The Fox" is an excerpt from this book by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. The story relates how the Prince and the Fox met each other and their departure. But the book narrates the Prince’s adventure; who is he, where he came from and what he has learned in his travel. It also talks about the experience of a pilot who got acquainted with the Prince as he got stranded in an African desert.
Surely, some of you have read the story but not the book.
Its packaging may somewhat be what you can call like a children’s book. Yet in reality, the book itself is intended for mature audience. You may disagree, because the story of the Little Prince and the Fox can be found in grade school literary text books. Yes, indeed so… for that part teaches a moral lesson that children can somehow understand. But the whole book itself teaches a lot of lessons that some of us adults may have forgotten.
What is so good about this book is that of how it abuses words. Yes, abuse of words. When you read it, you may find that it could be compared to a fairytale or say nursery rhyme. But underneath the overtones you will see meanings, intended to be felt in the heart. Interpretation that is so simple that it shouts out to us. Not only does the abuse of word that fascinates me but also the portrayalof characters.They might sound fictitious but in truth they could be someone we know or maybe it could be ourselves.
The pilot, who have stopped to learn how to draw because of certain frustrations. Yet, when the Little Prince asked him to draw he did the best he could to make the Little Prince Happy. He who does know who the Little Prince is but touched by his innocence and forwardness, mourned when left. It is like a person who gave up on some of their ambitions because of hindrances. When the right person or reason came, we do our best to make the somewhat impossible possible. A person who has no idea that there is someone out there who could touch his heart and change his life.
The Little Prince, innocent and frank. His heart is untouched by the darkness of the world. Once a question is formed in his mind, he never lets go of the concept until he receives what he think is an honest or true answer. In his innocence there is bravery because he speaks his mind. Where some don’t venture to question, he did so. He represents a person who is sure about himself and wants to know the world he is living in. Inquisitive and wise in his innocent self. Things that we lost as we grow and learned more about ourselves and others.
The Rose which grows on his planet. The Rose which is rude and strong, protected by the Prince with his glass globe to keep safe from caterpillars and the harsh cold wind in the night. She is proud of her four thorns and claims that she can defend herself even from a tiger. The Rose wept when the Prince went on his journey and pretended to be strong, asking not to be put under the protection of the glass globe. She is beloved by the Prince because she is unique. When the Little Prince came down to Earth and saw all the roses, he wondered why did he gave so The Rose so much importance. But then he realized it is because he love her so much. The Rose are people we love, people we give importance too. They are those we thought are the same among many but our attention made them unique. The Rose is also a person who pretends to be strong but feels so weak inside. She may not realize how important the Little Prince was to her until the very end when he have to go. And she whole-heartedly lets him go. Funny, I knowa lot of people like that.
The Fox, who asked to be tamed by the Little Prince. He gave us the aphorism, "What is essential is invisble to the eye." The Fox represents someone we met along in our life. People we never knew would mean a lot to us. They are friends. Day by day, we developed a sense of closeness with them until we learned to love them. They make us feel glad whenever they are near or even far. Just thoughts of them make us feel lighter. And each one of them brings us a particular lesson, the way the Fox has given the Little Prince. What the Fox has said is true, sometimes what’s important is not what is on the outside but what is on the inside. It may also mean that what we are looking for are already obvious but we are not able to see it or we are refusing to see what is already there.
There are other characters you will meet in the book. The king who rules over all the stars but no one to govern with. It is like a person who is a self-proclaimed ruler who doesn’t even know how to lead. The conceited man who likes to be praised often. It is like a person who is prude and vain, a person who thinks highly of his self but got nothing to be proud of. The tippler who keeps drinking to forget all his troubles. Surely, there are people like that everywhere. The businessman who all the stars, keeps counting them and enjoys in seeing figures of his so-called properties. It reminds me of materialistic people who finds pleasure in their acquired properties. He who finds use in his riches but his riches got no use for him. The lamplighter who continuously lights the lamp on and off every minute. People who doesn’t take a break from their monotonous work. The geographer who records land features but doesn’t want to explore them. Lazy people who gets credits from other people’s account.
And then the Snake, he who represents Death. He who teches us that great things comes in small packages. And the truth in his words, "It is also lonely among men." Even if you are surrounded by multitudes, in your heart there is always be a sense of loneliness.
So you see, it is not really a book for the young but it is also for grown ups as well. It tells us of things we have forgotten as we live everyday. And it is also a sad book. But as sad it may seem, it speaks of hope.
Give this book a reading yourself, maybe somewhere between the pages you might find the answer that you have been looking for.
There are moments in our life where things go wrong and we make mistakes. Those are the times that we are confused and don’t know what to do. Things that cannot be undone, no matter how hard we try to erase the traces of our doings. The things we did are clearly imprinted on the minds and heart of those afflicted by the hurt and pain caused by those mistakes and wrongdoings. They can be forgotten in time, but still in deepest part of the memory it can be brought back in a flick of a finger. We can try to forget but there is more to the part of forgiving and moving forward with our lives. Either we prove ourselves worthy of another chance or even chances… or either we take it for granted until it is too late. Then we realize that the things we did make a burden so great that to suffer underneath it is an option.
Nobody is perfect, this quote has been embedded in our consciousness ever since we learned more about Life; as we progress on our journey, as we traverse the road we have chosen. We fall, we stumble… everyone has experienced up and downhill climbs as we put our foot forward, making another step to reach the final distance.
Things go wrong and we make mistakes, yes. They are inevitable, they are part of our lives. But what do matters most in this kind of situations? Is it how you handled it? Is it what you did to amend things? Is it what you did after things has happened? The truth is all of the things I mentioned are essential to make things ALMOST go back to the way they used to be.
Why did I said ALMOST? Because once a mistake has been done, nothing can be done to erase it clean from impressions. Like a dot in a clean sheet of paper, a drop of blood in crystal waters, a marr on a precious vase. What does this imply? Things cannot be regained to the previous state they were in or if regained, takes a long time to be whole again.
Apologizing is one thing that can simply put the hurt away. It means that we are aware of the wrong thing we have done… thus we are conscious of our actions. But there is more to apologizing than just words. Yes, to put the apology in action. We need to something to patch things up. I heard it a couple of times already, not to have it reserved in my memory banks… "Action speaks louder than words".
There are things that cannot be mended just by saying "sorry" or "I apologize", people must see that you are doing something to keep up with the words that you have said. Simply put, PROVE it! There are those who apologize but never do anything to make things up. What is the use of apologizing if we don’t make things right after? To some it might be hard to do, but as a person who knows sympathy or even empathy you must do what you can. Never apologize but then be apathetic about it.
Words are empty without any action taken. Once you apologize, you must do your best not to do it again. But then it goes over and over again until you find out in the end that is becoming a habit. To apologize but then do the same mistakes. What’s the use of apology then? The hurt is increasing in each turn therefore losing trust and respect. Two things that are very valuable to maintain a relationship. We are not just talking about romantic relationships. This also happens between family and friends.
Then there is forgiveness. Forgiveness has never been such an easy thing to ask or even give. There are those who can forgive and forget easily, there are those who cannot. Each and everyone of us knows hows to, but the weight of the circumstances makes it hard to do so. There are those who abuse it, thinking that there are a lot of chances being given after being forgiven.
When it fact it is not that way. You are forgiven because you have shown that you are worthy of it. You have proven that you are deserving to be given a second chance. Can you see the difference? There are those who say, "Forgive me, give me another chance. I will prove it to you…". How hollow those words seem to me. First you must prove yourself first before you can be forgiven and be given that chance you are asking for. Not telling that you will prove it when you have already been forgiven. Forgiveness is something that should be earned rather than be asked. It requires a lot deal of effort.
Now can you tell me the difference?
And one more thing we need to realize, there are no such thing as last, last chance. There is nothing that can be last than last. Once you have been given the chance, do the best what you can to make things go for better not for worst. Try to regain what was lost, though it cannot be replaced instantly or even easily. There is still that part missing when you do something wrong against other people. Some finds that part and put it back where it should be, some tried but no able to and is contented with whatever they have accomplished to get back, and some don’t even bothered to look for it.
It is all up to you on what you will do to put things right back the way they are supposed to be.
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Apologizing is not synonymous to "I won’t do it again" and forgiveness doesn’t always mean second chances.
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