I’m So Sorry…
Let me share to you a story of my life.
I’m the third in a family consisting of two girls, five boys and my parents. We
are an ordinary household, a so-so family. Life is hard but yet we bear through
it all. With us being so many and with my parents to handle all responsibility,
you can only think about what sacrifices we have to give in order to make a
living.
All things went well until my father succumbed to a heart attack, leaving only
my mother with all duties and responsibility that she and my father used to
handle. My father was no help at all, being paralyzed from head to toe. And of
all the things that we have to tend to, he added up on the top of it all. It’s
not that I’m saying that he’s a burden to us for we love our father so dearly.
But thinking about the situation makes us more kind of sensitive to each other.
We siblings used to argue on who have to do what. And my mother couldn’t do
anything and sometimes disregard those quarrels for she got much important
things to do than just to shut up us all.
It was kind of hard for us, being used to being careless at times. But the
dilemma that we have right now makes us to do all things perfectly and on time.
Because if not, you would all hear all kind of things… things that you know
they don’t mean but makes you frustrated with the problems that all of us were
handling at the moment.
There’s so many things to worry about. Unpaid bills, medicines, household
cleaning, unwashed dishes, piles of laundries, studies, so little time… and
our father. But we love our parents so much that we have to be strong. We have
to be oblivious with what’s going on around us to be able for us to do the
things we have to do day after day. To tell you it isn’t that nice but we have
to hold on for us to live.
And then it all comes to the boiling point…
I came home from school hurrying, knowing that there are so many things to do.
As I was nearing our house I heard screams and shouts. I opened the door and
was so surprised with what I see. My eldest brother was shouting at my mother,
Mother was crying and I turned to look at the stairs and saw my father. Father
was crying but he was helpless. He’s just there sitting in his wheelchair,
tears streaming down his face.
I heard my brother talking about our situation: all the tasks, the bills that we
need to pay, time that we don’t have for ourselves, studies that’s all becoming
so hard to do. Mother was talking about what she has to go through everyday
just to keep our hungry stomachs from growling, to be able for us to study, for
us to keep alive… and all the things that’s bothering her and all her worries.
Things that we only keep to ourselves suddenly spewed out at that very moment.
Not being used to those kind of bickering and from all the bitterness that I’ve
felt all this time, I ran out of our house with my sister crying for me to come
back. I was angry with myself for being not able to defend my mother, to be able
to understand my brother, to be able to comfort my father… and not able to
feel myself about the things that’s tearing our family apart.
I ran out and wen out to this secluded place…
There’s this old abandoned building that my brothers and sister used to play
when we’re still little. My parents told us not go there because we might get
hurt because the place is already falling apart. But we still go there, it’s so
cool in there even in the summer. It’s the place where I remember that we don’t
have worries. It’s a happy place… and just for once I want to be in a place
where I feel so far away.
I remember the roof deck where we used to sat down and rest after our long play.
It’s a quiet place filled with writings when we’re still little. We would pocket
chalks from school and draw all kind of things on the wall and even on the
floor. The spacious deck has been our canvas. As I walk on the deck, memories
of our carefree days fill my head and tears starts to flow. Where has all those
days gone to? Where is the love that we have? Where is the family that I used to
belong to?
I sat down on the edge thinking about it all. I closed my eyes and I feel so
light. I stayed in that kind of state for how long I didn’t know. I slowly
opened my eyes and then I realized it was now starting to be dark. The sun was
slowly setting down and then I feel the need to go home. Slowly I feel my way
down the building and walk towards home.
The lights were already turned on the house and I slowly opened the door…
hoping that it’s all over now. I went inside and I saw Mother, she’s still
crying and I sat down beside her. She suddenly got up and walked away, crying.
I followed her to their room but she just slammed the door right before my face.
I hear her crying like she wanted to die. Not wanting to bother her anymore I
started to look my sister but she was not around.
I went down again and sat down on the sofa. I saw my little brother looking so
sad, so I went beside him and stroked his hair but he didn’t seem to mind. I
told him that I love him and he shouldn’t worry about what happened. I hugged
him without me knowing I was crying. But then he just sat there, with a grave
look on his face.
I sat beside him for a while, not knowing what to say. Then I saw my sister
coming in from the doorway. I went to her, wanting to know what happened but
she just walked pass through me and walk straight ahead to our parents room. I
followed her and she was knocking on the door.
Mother opened the door and I saw father lying on the bed. She’s still crying and
my sister went inside. She looked at my mother and she started crying too. I
want to know what’s going on but it seems like no voice came out of my mouth. I
sat down beside Father and touched his cheek. Oh my God, how I love my family so
much.
Then suddenly my sister spoke up.
"Let’s go now. Everything is ready."
My mother just nodded at her.
"They’re bringing it in.", my sister said.
She went out and Mother followed her downstairs. My sister opened up the door
and I saw my other brothers carrying something like a heavy and long bundle
wrapped in a sheet.
They put the big bundle down and they started crying. "What’s going on here!?",
my mind was asking but no voice would come out. It was like I’m rooted on the
spot and cannot do anything. I looked around and saw my brothers stifling their
tears and my mother turned head away. I can hear my sister crying aloud. I
cannot bear with what’s happening around me that I closed my eyes.
Suddenly, I heard my sister screaming and Mother shouting at me. I slowly opened
my eyes and stared with horror and disbelief. It was like I’m looking in a
mirror but it seems like out of reality. I was standing here… and I was lying
there with my body covered with a sheet. I looked around… all of them crying.
"What’s really going on here!!???", I blurted out.
And then a flash of light came out of nowhere and blinded me for a second. The
lights faded out and I saw myself sitting on the edge of the roof deck. My eyes
were closed and the wind is blowing my hair. Then I saw myself standing… and
let myself fall down from the edge.
"No!!!", I shouted and then I ran to the edge and looked down. But then the
bright light came again and I was back on the house.
I stood there in a daze of shock. I’m already out of my mind, don’t know what to
do. And then I saw Mother standing beside the body… which is mine… or was
mine. I went beside her.
"I’m so sorry…", and that’s all I can say before the bright light came again.
