Angst_Ridden

To the one who broke my heart…

Please don’t think I’m immature if I still hold on to you, although I know it was I who wanted to nurture the friendship in the first place.

I haven’t decided that I don’t want to have any kind of connection with you. Let me make it clear that I am not angry with you because we broke up. Why should I force myself on someone who doesn’t want me? If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be. What angers me is that you lied to me. To tell you the truth, the discovery of how you feel for me devastated me more than the break up. I never thought you could do that. Of all your traits, I admired your honesty & sincerity the most. I always thought you would always be there for me. You still do but not the way it used to be.

But all that is in the past. I don’t want to be bitter anymore because I want to remember the times we spent together without hurting myself. We had so many wonderful & memorable times together. Even if it’s only words that we have shared with each other.

To cope, I have decided to make believe that the person I fell in love with died. He went away somewhere for a vacation and died there. The person who came back was a different man I didn’t know.

This way, I can remember “him” and the good times with tenderness and without anger. I know it’s childish, but that’s me. Why should I make my life miserable thinking that the person I loved so much disregarded me? I can’t handle that.

Wouldn’t it be better to think that the person you fell in love with died, instead of becoming a monster? It’s not his fault he died and I can hold on to the idea that he wanted to come back to me but just couldn’t.

And so I don’t have to feel anything when I see you. Not regret, not sadness, not even yearning. You’re not the person I fell in love with. I don’t even have to say anything because to me you’re a new person now, a person I am just starting to meet… again.

It’s just like the movie LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL. There will be things, people and situations that will really make your life wretched, but it’s up to you whether you let these ruin you. It’s up to you to make your life “beautiful.”

This is my way of making my life beautiful.

I fell in love with a wonderful person. He is so special and in my heart he will always be. I will always remember the fun times we had together. But I know he’s never coming back and it’s time to go. It’s time to move on.

You can do the same if you want. If I caused you pain, just pretend that I got stung by a jellyfish and died, or I was just a bad dream. It’s up to you.

My last request is to respect the memories of the relationship of the person you once loved. Leave the memories to those who will truly cherish them. Don’t allow them to be tarnished by others through their curiosity and careless prying. Keep them special by not making them part of your ‘hot seat’ or ‘truth or consequence’ games. They are stories meant to be enjoyed by people who care, not by people who are just plain noisy.

When we see each other in the future (which I somehow doubt but hoping will happen), let’s pretend it’s our first meeting.

Wouldn’t that be so much fun?

You might call this denial. Maybe, but who else can I protect myself form being traumatized by love, from becoming cynical? How can I keep my faith in love, which is something marvelous? Crazy? Weird? Whatever. That’s the ‘me’ you fell in love with.

‘Why did you hunt me? Why did you flee?”

“I hunted you because I love you more than mortal man has ever been loved by anyone. And I fled you because it is not given to mortals to love the endless. Only disaster can follow from this.”

- Dream and Nada, in The Doll’s House