Angst_Ridden

Surrounded by people and the noise. Between multitudes you find yourself in to. Everywhere you look, everywhere you go; they are always there. You smile, you laugh and you talk with them. Being with people gives you a sense of oneness with them. Sharing the same space and breathing the same air. But something, somewhere in your heart… a part craves to be alone.

How many times did it happened to you? When you feel like to be only with yourself? There are moments that we feel the need to be with family, friends and lover. Every one feels that way, to be with someone or to be together with people that matters to you. Though there are times that we would like to be left out on our own. Moments that we need to share with ourselves. To think, to contemplate, to meditate, to realize and to dream.

It doesn’t mean that you want to be alone you are leaving them behind. We need a moment to breathe and have some free space. Away from prying eyes and questioning glances, away from the noise of others, away from things that we do not have control of, away from other bodies… just simply on our own. Take a time to look in to ourselves, take a time to hear your heartbeat, take a time to think things over, take a time to feel yourself… just simply take a time for our own.

Some people might get worried when someone wants to be alone. Maybe it is because you mean so much to them or you are not the quiet type that they seemed to be bothered once you shut up. I, myself tend to worry too when a person wants to be alone. But we do have to respect a person’s decision. At times, being alone helps more in ways unknown. It don’t mean that you don’t need help from people who cares about you. It means that you need to make up your mind about matters that only you can comprehend.

The reason for wanting to be alone varies from one person to one person. There are moments that you get tired of having company and would like to engage yourself in awareness that you need to be on your own. And after being alone, isn’t it wonderful to go back and mingle with others? To know that you have put your mind and soul to rest for a moment when you are just with yourself. Sometimes we need to be on our own to know the value of having loving people beside us.

For me to be alone means to be in our rooftop. To savor the cool air and feel it refresh my body. To see things that can never be seen from below. To behold the beauty of a sunrise or a sunset, shape-shifting clouds, birds soaring in the sky, the silver moon and the specks of light coming from the stars. To reminisce of the past, decide for the present and dream of the future. To smile, to laugh, to cry, to hate and to forgive.

So go on, it is not bad to be on your own. It is a need, it is a want. Because no matter happens, after being alone… there is always someone waiting for your return.

We both walked under the shadows of this lonely city. And in these
shadows, I cannot see his face. Everyone told me of the bright city
lights but no one said that the city has got it’s own darkness too…
and we are walking in it. As we walk on I can see them inside, some of
them going on with their usual business and some peering out of their
windows… looking out to see those who are outside.

But
walking with no light doesn’t matter. My heart is burning bright,
because I have the one person for me by my side. There is doubt here in
the darkness but his grip on my hand gives me assurance that it is
alright. There is fear in the darkness but the words he whispered in my
ears gives me hope. There is love in the darkness but I want to see us
under the glows of the city lights. I want to take a look at his face,
to know the face of the one person for me… to see him as he is for me.

Then steadily as we go on, we see the light. We are not in a hurry and
kept up the pace. Steady but surely… until we reached the light. I
turned around to look at the one person for me. And there he is and I
saw his face. Someone that I haven’t met but his smile is so warm and
his eyes looking at me so tender. His hands holding mine, the way he
promised when we are in the dark.

Gently he put his arms
around me and embraced my wholeness like the way he did when we first
met. The love in the dark and in the light has never ceased. I am
happy, I know he is too… maybe he is the the one person for me… the
only one person for me.

"How can you be so sure?", I heard a familiar voice.

Right there in front of us, is my reflection looking at us. I looked
into his eyes and he nodded, granting me permission to talk to myself.
He pressed my hands and urged me to go on. And I run to the mirror,
stopped right in front of it and turned around. He is right there where
I left him, smiling and standing still.

"How can you be so sure?", myself asked.

Facing myself I answered, "Because I have this special feeling inside of me…"

"Didn’t you felt that many times before?"

"I did…", and I lowered my gaze. "But this feeling is stronger than anything I have felt before."

"And what else?"

"He was there all the time; assuring me that nothing will go wrong,
promised me to stay beside me for all times, to accept me and love me
as I am."

"But a lot of people that passed your way and who you thought will be the one person for us said that same thing."

"I know…", hurting truthfully.

"Nothing will go wrong, that is not true. In every relationship there
are twists and turns that can make things go wrong. It is either you or
him… or other things. Promised to stay with you, something you know
that will never be forever. There are times that both of you needs to
be alone too. Accept and love you as you are, that is always the basis
of relationship."

"I understand…", tearfully.

"Then what makes you think he is the one person for us?"

"Intuition… trust… security…", I answered. "And faith in the love that we have."

"May you not be hurt again in the end.", myself said.

"Are you doubting my decision to love again and take the risk? Do you
fear walking alone again in the dark? Are you afraid to get hurt and
feel the searing pain of losing someone?"

"Yes I am…"

"But can’t you see; we will never know the answer, we will never see
the light and we will never get the chance to be happy… if we don’t
take the risk. In the end; we will learn, we will grow and we will be
strong. Love gives and love takes away. But it is still inside of us on
how we are going to accept it in the end."

Then I heard
someone walking from where I am. The footsteps getting loud until it
stopped. Looking behind me, I can see another person on the other side
of the street. His face familiar… one of the person who I thought
could be the one person for me. Is it coincidence that we have crossed
roads again while I was having this debate with myself?

I
looked back to the present one person for me, someone that I am just
getting to know. A person I met along the road, took me as who I am and
what made me who I am. The one who accepted me for what I can do and
hold me tighter for what I cannot do. The time I spent with him is
exciting as we get to know each other better and afraid of things that
I might learn about ourselves. Then I looked to the past one person for
me, someone that I already know. A person who knows me in and out, gave
my heart to and hurt me before. One of the person who made me who I am
now and let me go for a reason. The time we have shared are moments
that I cannot forget.

"What do you feel now?", myself asked.

Turning around and facing myself, "Nothing. Things are never the same
as it was before. Once a feeling is lost it can never be brought back.
What a person can do is start over again and see if it is worth the
second chance. But the truth is it will never be the again."

"Would you rather have someone who completes you… or loves you completely?"

I shrugged my shoulder and answered, "No one can complete you than the one who can love you completely."

"Then who does love you completely?"

"I cannot tell until I am with that person…"

"Don’t you feel it in the present one person for you?"

"For now I can’t, it doesn’t come that fast. Only time will tell when
that love has grown completely that it makes you complete."

A
hand touched my shoulder, I looked behind me and saw the present one
person for me. He laid his head on my other shoulder and hugged me.
Gently he said…

"To love completely means to know the person
you love completely. To accept whole-heartedly his good and bad side.
To understand his past, respect the present and stand by his future. To
go on with one day without him makes you feel that you’re missing a
part of you. That kind of love makes you feel complete. Complete in
terms of emotions not materially. That is the true meaning of being
complete."

He answered it for me. Myself smiled and said, "He
knows exactly our feelings and fear. Now I know why you think that he
is finally the one person for you. No words can describe it, just as
you have said… intuition, trust, security and faith in the love being
shared."

I smiled, the doubts and fears quickly has been
erased from the face in the mirror. Slowly I see myself smile as well.
From there the reflection has gone and we are there in the front of the
mirror standing alone. The one person for me took my hands and we
started again to walk… this time under the bright lights.