Angst_Ridden

And he just came out. That night, we never expected it to happen but it did. We are so busy preparing dinner that it almost came as a shock. We are all dumbfounded but happy at the same time. I could say that it was the highlight of our dinner that night. The whole family could hardly believe it and excited.

I saw him and knew at that moment I have fallen in love. Just being "new" to the world, I don’t want him to be culture shocked so I have to take precautions. Stealing glances and trying to touch him whenever I can. Just a look and it bring smiles to my face. Cannot explain the way he makes me feel. This feeling I have, I just cannot contain it within myself.

Then the day came when I couldn’t hold back and took him in my arms. Mom and Dad was surprised to see us together but simply smiled. His mother, watching us angrily but gave out and stormed out of the room. I looked at him and at the door where his mother left out. She will get over it, I know… she is just being protective over her son. I never let it worry me because finally he is here with me.

For me, he is the most beautiful thing. As we lay beside each other in bed, I cannot help but watch as he softly sleeps. His chest heaving with every breath, making it go up and down. The warmth I feel every time I touch his body. To feel the beating of his heart and the softness of his skin. The way he turns his face when I tickle his chin and rubs his nose against mine… everything about him makes me adore him more.

But I know that we cannot always be together because his mother expects him always at her side. So there are moments that I have to let him go, only to find myself longing to be with him. Yet, life goes and I must wait every day until he can be in my arms again. And those times are when joy overflows from my heart. Those moments filled with smiles and laughter… he never fails to make me do so.

I would never like to let these kind of days pass by. If only I could choose to stay in this moment for all times then I would. But it could never be that way and there are sacrifices to be made. Yet there is joy through it all and I would never want to change a thing about us.

For tonight, he is far away but the morning gives a promise that we will be together again. Back to him, back in my arms. Finally, I got myself a new love. And I could never be more glad than to have him in our life… our new puppy.

Standing by the window, lost in thoughts as I stare to the world outside. The blazing sun above casts a heat that makes the horizon shimmer. I took my gaze away from the sight before me and slowly sat down on my bed. An uneventful afternoon that time is. A moment to be alone, here in my room… on my own.

The heat is unnerving, I got up again and opened the windows slightly farther apart. A rush of wind blows inside and made me smile. That feels much better. I went back and sat down on my bed. All that should be done are done and finding nothing else to do. Don’t want to go outside in this kind of heat unless I want to be burned alive. I sighed, so I guess I am stuck here.

I closed my eyes, a minute and it feels like eternity. Opening them, I feel the room getting darker. Strange, I muttered to myself. Took a look outside and it is getting darker too. I tried to get up to take a better look. But before I can even reach the window, the silence of the afternoon was shattered. Millions of tears from the sky fell down on our roof and it echoes throughout.

It is raining!

Quickly I run down only to see all of them standing by the window as the heaven continues to weep. The rain quenching down summer’s heat, replacing it with gentle coolness. Who would’ve thought that it will rain especially that we are in the middle of summer? I smiled and whispered my thanks to God.

The rain goes on and I went back to my room. I forgot that I have left the windows open and the water has gotten in. It wasn’t that much since there are no strong winds to blow the rain inside more than it should. Wiped the puddle out and I find myself standing beside the window again.

Watching as drops of water falls down from the leaves, listening to the angry fall of the raindrops, smelling the cool wind that drafts through the room and feeling happy about it. The sky never cease to cry over the land, time flies by and still I am here  fascinated with the most unexpected event.

I laid my weary body on my bed as the rain continues. Snuggling comfortably and hugging my pillows, I closed my eyes. Today, there are summer’s tears… tomorrow the sun will be burning again.

Raindrops are the bravest thing that God has created… because they are not afraid of falling down.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong.
And I’ll be your friend.
I’ll help you carry on.
For it won’t be long ’til I’m gonna need.
Somebody to lean on.

That is part of the song by "Bill Withers" entitled "Lean On Me". Who wouldn’t know this song? It is a song of friendship, love and trust. The words that transpires through the melody speaks of all a person can do for someone he or she truly cares about.

In this world, there are a lot of things trying to bring us down. There are times that we cannot handle it and tried to hide it on our own. We may pretend to be alright but inside we know that it is bothering us. We look for someone to turn to but don’t know who. It happens, not just to me but to all of us. Sometimes we tend to keep it to ourselves.

But there are those who can simply see the pain in your eyes in a glance. And though how much we try to conceal it, they are aware of the war surging in your heart and mind. They are looking through the difficulties of your situation and understands the reason why you cannot admit it to others.

Those are friends, true friends. People who care and knows what you are going through. They are the one you come to when you needed comfort from the pains of the world. Those who protect you from harm, not just from others but from yourself. Those who will cry with you when you are sad, laugh with you when you are happy, rejoice with you in celebration, kiss your tears away, hug you even how worse you look in some days, gives you time when you are alone and waits when you come back, remains silent when asked to and joins you to scream at the top of your lungs.

Friends are not just your so-called circle of friends. Family, relatives and lovers can be also be considered as friends. Friends are not jut those who are near or always beside you. Because in here, we all connect and have interaction with each other. We may not be able to see each other through the distance but we share a connection. An emotional connection rather than a physical connection and that what develops our friendship.

There are times that I, myself cannot indulge my feelings and problems with my friends around me. It is not that I am ashamed to tell them but there is something else that is holding me back. There are times that I need a moment to reflect first on the muddy waters before me. And from that I decide if I have to say it or not.

But in here, I can always open my self up. Because I found out that there are a lot of people out there that can relate to what I am going through and could help me better. It is not that my friends near me cannot but sometimes different views give me more insight. The truth is, people around here tends to get drastic over things and I don’t want more drama than to what I am having at the moment. So the best way I can resolve things is to ask my friends from different places for opinions or help.

And yet, there are also things and situations that I can’t tell here over the net and better kept within the premises. So I think it is pretty fair to have things in balance when asking for help. But even though, all of you are still my friends and nothing can change that fact.

Being near or far, always remember that I am here. I may not be the best but I am true and that is something I guarantee for those who I entrust a piece of my heart. You my friends have become my shelter and in return I want to be your shelter too when needed be. I will be here for all of you, needed or not. For me that’s what a true friend is.

- francois -

Yesterday’s blog entry I have let you known my fear. And I am glad and grateful at the same time for understanding and loving me despite of it all. The love and care that you have shown makes me feel lighter. The burden lifted from my heart.

Today I am facing another day but this time not with fear, instead with a bright smile on my face and hope in my heart. No, I am not afraid anymore. Life is too short to waste by wallowing in the waters of doubt. More than ever, I came out strong and happier. Your words raised me out of the muddy waters I am submerged in. Thank you my friends for standing by my side, giving me support and hope.

For the moment, I would like to tell you about listening. Yes, listening. It is different than hearing. Hearing is a sense and for me I can call listening as a skill. It is actually an understanding skill. A lot of people can hear but I few only listen. When you say words, did they actually understood what they meant or did it just passed through their ear and come out in the other? There lies the difference.

Hearing means that you just heard what was said. The words just comes to you with no essence nor feelings. For those who hear, what was said is insubstantial. It was just taken but not felt or truly understood what lies behind it. Nothing… the words just comes as nothing, plain words.

Listening means that you not only heard what was said but also taken it into your system. The words comes to you with substance, there is meaning. For those who listen, it just didn’t go to their ears but also in their hearts and minds. For them, the words they have heard got sense and it is truly felt.

That is my point of view when it comes to the difference of those two things. You can say that a person truly listened when there is action taken after hearing what you have to say. Yes, there could be changes… sooner or later.

For myself, I cannot deny that there are times that I just hear. I ignored what was said because it doesn’t affect me or I don’t understand a thing at all. There are times that I don’t want to hear about it and have taken those words for granted. I only listen when I want to or when I feel that there something lies underneath of it all. I listen when I can relate myself and when I feel it is essential for me.

Not only can you listen to words, there are a lot of things that you can listen to and find yourself lost in it. The flow of water in a river or brook, rhythms of music, birds chirping and singing, raindrops falling on the rooftop, waves rushing to the shore, leaves rustling in the wind, a heart beating and in silence.

Take time to listen, you might find out more than what you are expecting. As for me, I would like to thank you all for listening to my heart through the words I write here. For you my friends have not just lent your eyes but also your heart. Yes, the best listening part of a man’s body is his heart.