Angst_Ridden

Shadows creep upon the four corners of the room.
Twisted thoughts are slowly taking over.
The energy within my humanity flows to doom.
And the darkness seems to come forever.

Such overwhelming desire to reach the end of the light.
Within bounds of chain I could feel the grip.
As the liquid fire glows behemently in the night.
I care not as it started to drip.

Heaven I could almost touch at the moment.
A feeling of euphoria it suddenly brings.
So weightless, pair of wings it has lent.
Coldness I feel, to my skin stings.

Soon it would be over, I feel the bliss.
But the feeling fades in to nothing.
Just when I thought I would deal with Death’s kiss.
I opened my eyes and I was falling.

Lights blinded me in a dazzling white.
And I feel the pain and disappointment inside.
Consciousness regained in fright.
That I have missed Death’s ride.

- Memory Book Entry: September 21, 2002

The word that symbolizes truth and in all its glory. A thing that you hold true not just for yourself but to everyone else. It is beauty when shown in all ways but it is also considered a flaw… a vulnerable hit point that others easily prey on. A strength, a weakness… it could be a beginning… it could also mean an end.

Like what the song said, it is such a lonely word. But is it really lonely to share your true self to people that matters to you most? Or is it wasted because of the wrong people to whom you show it too? It is a virtue like no other, incorporated from one’s self since from the start and cannot be taken away that easily.

So many people, so many strangers, so many friends… to whom can I trust my true self? The honesty that I have within me, a part of me.

I haven’t got an answer to that question. For me, being honest comes in many different ways. There are things that I can say to one person that I cannot say to another person. Honesty comes with a matter of trust. For I cannot be completely honest with someone that I don’t have trust. It is complicated in some situations.

There are times in my life that I have been honest and open with people that they took me for granted or abused its power. I gave it to the wrong people. They are predators who hasm preyed on my vulnerability brought by an honest nature. But there are some who hold me tight even when the honesty hurts them, they did because you hold truth for them. That even if it brings them pain, they are glad for that sense of truhfulness you gave them. And those people value you more because of that, not throw you away and leave you because of the truth you hold.

Those experiences taught me a lot on where to put honesty in the right places and at the right time… most importantly to the right people. Everyone deserves honesty, I think we all do. But what goes in my mind, would it be reciprocated as the same as what you have given. Sometimes I think that what we give is not always the same as we receive and I am alright with that. We do all deserve honesty but the fact that it produces different reactions to different individuals is something totally unexpected that it could hold you up high or crush you to the ground.

Everyone deserves it but not all can take it.

Why am I writing all about this honesty stuff? When sometimes I cannot even be honest to myself. I deny truth to myself and hide it to others… keeping it all in until it dissolves my soul to tiny fragments of doubts and fear. It happens, it still does. But then I always recover because if I just keep it… it will get hold of me all at once and break me down. It is glad to know that there are people around you that breaks the truth, making it easier for you to swallow the bitter pill to be able to move on. They gave you honesty.

Those who did this for me, I am ever so grateful. Yes it hurts but I have learned a lot of things about it.

That no matter how you hide things… in the end it always show.

That truth always comes out in the surface… no matter how deep you keep it.

That it is better to be hurt by the truth… than to live in a lie.

That is better to be honest with others… the blame is not on you.

That some people think what a weakling you are for the honesty you show… when in fact you are strong and brave enough to be one.

And the last thing I have learned about honesty.

Is that it can also save a person’s life.

Three in the morning, the coldness envelopes the surrounding. The rain has just ended and I find myself on my own in the stillness of the full moon night. Still awake, cannot force myself to sleep when all of me is unstable… a restless rumbling in my heart… a war waging in my mind… darkness capturing my soul.

Why am I feeling this way? Shouldn’t I be lying unconsciously in my bed and savoring the taste of deep sleep? I hugged myself, this is one of those moments that I cannot understand myself. It’s far worse than when no one understands you. I pounded my fist on the pillow, it didn’t release the tension I feel. I got up and punched the wall, the aggraviation inside mounting. Hit once, hit twice, hit thrice… it doesn’t hurt. It hurts me more inside.

With the blood dripping slowly from the bruised knuckle, I made my way to the window and peered to the dark world outside. The silence, this city doesn’t have a life. My hand feeling burned from the cut and slowly I watched as the purest form of life energy glow with a devilish fire as it falls down to the floor… disappearing and tainting the rug with its sinful color.

A blink, a breath and I slowly cherish the pain. The pain from outside blending with the inside. A tear fall from my eyes, sliding down to my cheeks. It disappeared as quickly it appeared. That is for the agony not brought by the action but by the emotion and pysche. How dreadful it feels to be at that moment.

My eyes lingered and caught the clock as it hangs upon above the doorway. The second hands slowly ticking away. The sound it brings seems so loud like a bell that strikes at six o’clock reminding us of the prayers. Time, like any other things slowly slips away. It is made of bits and pieces that could be counted in to hours and minutes. And all of those slowly slipping by… slipping my by.

Changes, so many changes. No matter how we chose to remain what we are there are still changes. There is no escaping it. Everything goes through it, from the biggest to the smallest thing… there’s alway constant change. Some largely noticed while some so minute that you could barely recognize but it has changed.

And where it has happened there are those left wondering. When you don’t have to be left wondering because you are a wonder itself. No one can deny the fact that each one of us is a living wonder. Life is mysterious in its own ways and we are Life… or should I say part of Life itself.

So many thoughts stumbling through my head that I cannot sort it out. My hand continues to bleed as my body falls to the softness of my bed. Closing my eyes, all pains subside… except for the one inside my heart.