Angst_Ridden

Have you ever felt this way?

Lately I feel a certain heaviness in my heart that I can’t barely explain. It’s slowly eating me up… every piece of me. With no reasons at all I suddenly succumb to this feeling. It shatters me down… my whole being.

Things have been going right for me. I got a great family who supports my endeavor. A good paying job that sustains me through my every wants and needs. Friends who are always by my side though thick and thin. A lover who loves me more than himself and plans his future with me in it. But then I find myself in this state I am in.

How did I ever let myself with this kind of emotion?

I have no idea.

The truth is I wouldn’t let it but then I guess I did. I felt so stupid but it is for real. Here I am finding no comfort and not feeling like who I am… or who I was. Isn’t the things going on with my life right now should be sufficient to make me happy yet here I am feeling broken inside… so incomplete.

Hours seems so endless as I lay awake on my bed pondering on what is happening to me. I cannot find any answers to my questions. I need to get some sleep but then Time passes me by and I am wide awake with the difficulty of dealing with mixed emotions. Those emotions never left me even when I find myself busy at work.. it keeps running through my mind. I feel so tired suddenly.

I feel so tired of life. No encouragement nor love itself can keep me going. The only thing that keeps me going on is the thought that I need to survive for those I love. If I give up now, nothing would be left of me. My parents tried to talk it over but it seems so hopeless. My friends seeing all the changes pries me out with what’s going on with me, I cannot answer them. The one person for me gives me all the strength and love that I need yet it seems useless.

My goals seems so far away that I feel like I am losing it all. It is hitting me all at once that I find myself in daze unable to move forward with every steps I have planned. Nothing… nothing can keep me to go on. I fear that if this keeps going on I would be breaking down again like I used to before.

There is a certain heaviness in my heart… heavier than anything I have experienced before. I cried in silence, I shouted on the rooftop and I have prayed to God to take it all away. Yet until now I have it. This indifference towards myself… it is very hard to explain.

Oh God please give me the strength to carry me through every day with this feeling. I don’t want to live with it. I am slowly fading away… and maybe sooner or later I would hit the dust. From where I have fallen I might look up and see that I am six feet under the ground.

What we have now belongs to the past, I can clearly see that. You never take notice of me anymore… or so what it seems to me. Guess I have become another "you know who you are" or "used to be" in your life.

No, it doesn’t hurt anymore. This is piece I have written is for the ending… the ending of a beautiful past.. of a dream that never quite came true. Now I recall those moments and all of them seems to be in a blur. I cannot recount the feeling anymore nor how it used to feel. Funny, when yesterday I was so full of emotions and now I am rather empty of it.

Everything that happened between us is now a broken dream. That dream with you has been so beautiful, a beauty that I have fallen in to. A dream that lasted long enought that it became our reality… as it led us to believe. But then truth hit us in one abrupt moment, the dream has ended and I woke up in cold reality that what we have has never been true… it was never true.

Maybe it was me or it was you who has been a dream.

Now in my dreams I try to touch you… do you ever do the same? But like smoke, you fade away. It wasn’t meant for us to touch each other anymore. You said before that I am someone that could be fallen easily in love with… does that mean I am someone that could be easily fallen out of love too?

We are wide awake now. The dream has ended into something we don’t expect. The promises you made before we woke up doesn’t mean anything at all. You pass by me and I pass you by… it seems like we don’t know each other. We see each other but we can never meet eye to eye. It will be this way until one day we lose sight of each other. Never be able to touch one another as we used to before.

So for now, I live my life as if I have never met you and wishing that I never had. But you came in my life for a reason and that I have accepted whole-heartedly… including the pain that came after.

May you be happy on your way as I am right now. Somwhere along the twist and turn of our own roads may we see each other. Not with tears in our eyes and sadness in our hearts but with smiles on our faces and joy inside us.

Don’t look for me for I believe that fate will find a way for us to see one another.

- Memory Book Entry: March 10, 2003