Angst_Ridden

I knelt to pray but not for long,

I had too much to do.

I had to hurry and get to work

For bills would soon be due.

So I knelt and said a hurried prayer,

And jumped up off my knees.

My Christian duty was now done

My soul could rest at ease…..

All day long I had no time

To spread a word of cheer

No time to speak of Christ to friends,

They’d laugh at me I’d fear.

No time, no time, too much to do,

That was my constant cry,

No time to give to souls in need

But at last the time, the time to die.

I went before the Lord,

I came, I stood with downcast eyes.

For in his hands God! held a book;

It was the book of life.

God looked into his book and said

"Your name I cannot find

I once was going to write it down…

But never found the time"

After the storm, I ran outside like a child. The gray clouds covering the sky quickly passes my by as the strong wind blows them away… promising golden rays coming from the sun. I looked around at what the storm has brought, minimal destructions. But so far things are just fine.

I looked up and see the leaves as they fall down to the little puddles on the ground. Sending ripples across the surface as they touch the water… and I smiled. The scene is so touching, so simple but yet clearly engraved on my mind.

And my mind wanders back to the simple things that I enjoy in life. I took a deep breath and savor the fresh air that the storm has brought. The vapor rich air filling my lungs and I felt so alive… very much alive. I am on a moment where it feels like I am having the time of my life. Me, alone here outside.

My gaze went back to the tree and I touched its rough bark. This tree, it is so old. I remember when I was a child… this tree brings back a lot of those memories. And jut when they say nothing is free. But the most simplest things in life that bring joy to my heart are free.

I looked down to a flower growing beside it. There is a temptation to pick it up and smell it.. but that would be injustice. My heart wants to get it for my own but I want to share its beauty to everyone else. The admiration growing stronger, holding it back. Better left it where it is… to enjoy the sun and the rain… to grow on its own. For the beauty it holds is the humblest form.

Oh, nothing is free… how so untrue. For everywhere I look there are so many things that I could be thankful of.

The tree as it grows strong even under harsh conditions. The flower as it holds its head up high for everyone to see the beauty and serenity it found under the shelter of the tree. A draft of fresh air as it cools your sould and fills your senses. Sunshine is everywhere and peple who enjoys it gets it all for free. The moon and the stars as they watch us through the evening. Shining in the darkest horizon to light our way. They are all for free.

Scenes of sunrise and sunsets, lovely isn’t it. Who pays just to see them? No one with the gift of sight would have to pay a billion just to observe the grandeur of it. The transition of colors slowly fading in to the night. All you need is an open heart and gratitude for things the nature has to offer.

Smiles, evokes happiness and laughter even in the gloomest of days. A laughter that eases the pain. Words that encourages you every day. A kiss… a hug… a touch. Even those gestures convey a lot of things not able to be said by words.

The joys and pain simply just by loving… a friend, a family, a lover. Love is given for free… unconditional and free flowing. Love got its own burden of tears but don’t we think that it also gives us the lightness of a feather with happiness. Floating on air, touching the sky… that’s what happiness feels like when you are filled with love.

I sat down, yes the storm has passed… and the simle things remain just the way they are.

Have you ever felt this way?

Lately I feel a certain heaviness in my heart that I can’t barely explain. It’s slowly eating me up… every piece of me. With no reasons at all I suddenly succumb to this feeling. It shatters me down… my whole being.

Things have been going right for me. I got a great family who supports my endeavor. A good paying job that sustains me through my every wants and needs. Friends who are always by my side though thick and thin. A lover who loves me more than himself and plans his future with me in it. But then I find myself in this state I am in.

How did I ever let myself with this kind of emotion?

I have no idea.

The truth is I wouldn’t let it but then I guess I did. I felt so stupid but it is for real. Here I am finding no comfort and not feeling like who I am… or who I was. Isn’t the things going on with my life right now should be sufficient to make me happy yet here I am feeling broken inside… so incomplete.

Hours seems so endless as I lay awake on my bed pondering on what is happening to me. I cannot find any answers to my questions. I need to get some sleep but then Time passes me by and I am wide awake with the difficulty of dealing with mixed emotions. Those emotions never left me even when I find myself busy at work.. it keeps running through my mind. I feel so tired suddenly.

I feel so tired of life. No encouragement nor love itself can keep me going. The only thing that keeps me going on is the thought that I need to survive for those I love. If I give up now, nothing would be left of me. My parents tried to talk it over but it seems so hopeless. My friends seeing all the changes pries me out with what’s going on with me, I cannot answer them. The one person for me gives me all the strength and love that I need yet it seems useless.

My goals seems so far away that I feel like I am losing it all. It is hitting me all at once that I find myself in daze unable to move forward with every steps I have planned. Nothing… nothing can keep me to go on. I fear that if this keeps going on I would be breaking down again like I used to before.

There is a certain heaviness in my heart… heavier than anything I have experienced before. I cried in silence, I shouted on the rooftop and I have prayed to God to take it all away. Yet until now I have it. This indifference towards myself… it is very hard to explain.

Oh God please give me the strength to carry me through every day with this feeling. I don’t want to live with it. I am slowly fading away… and maybe sooner or later I would hit the dust. From where I have fallen I might look up and see that I am six feet under the ground.

What we have now belongs to the past, I can clearly see that. You never take notice of me anymore… or so what it seems to me. Guess I have become another "you know who you are" or "used to be" in your life.

No, it doesn’t hurt anymore. This is piece I have written is for the ending… the ending of a beautiful past.. of a dream that never quite came true. Now I recall those moments and all of them seems to be in a blur. I cannot recount the feeling anymore nor how it used to feel. Funny, when yesterday I was so full of emotions and now I am rather empty of it.

Everything that happened between us is now a broken dream. That dream with you has been so beautiful, a beauty that I have fallen in to. A dream that lasted long enought that it became our reality… as it led us to believe. But then truth hit us in one abrupt moment, the dream has ended and I woke up in cold reality that what we have has never been true… it was never true.

Maybe it was me or it was you who has been a dream.

Now in my dreams I try to touch you… do you ever do the same? But like smoke, you fade away. It wasn’t meant for us to touch each other anymore. You said before that I am someone that could be fallen easily in love with… does that mean I am someone that could be easily fallen out of love too?

We are wide awake now. The dream has ended into something we don’t expect. The promises you made before we woke up doesn’t mean anything at all. You pass by me and I pass you by… it seems like we don’t know each other. We see each other but we can never meet eye to eye. It will be this way until one day we lose sight of each other. Never be able to touch one another as we used to before.

So for now, I live my life as if I have never met you and wishing that I never had. But you came in my life for a reason and that I have accepted whole-heartedly… including the pain that came after.

May you be happy on your way as I am right now. Somwhere along the twist and turn of our own roads may we see each other. Not with tears in our eyes and sadness in our hearts but with smiles on our faces and joy inside us.

Don’t look for me for I believe that fate will find a way for us to see one another.

- Memory Book Entry: March 10, 2003

Shadows creep upon the four corners of the room.
Twisted thoughts are slowly taking over.
The energy within my humanity flows to doom.
And the darkness seems to come forever.

Such overwhelming desire to reach the end of the light.
Within bounds of chain I could feel the grip.
As the liquid fire glows behemently in the night.
I care not as it started to drip.

Heaven I could almost touch at the moment.
A feeling of euphoria it suddenly brings.
So weightless, pair of wings it has lent.
Coldness I feel, to my skin stings.

Soon it would be over, I feel the bliss.
But the feeling fades in to nothing.
Just when I thought I would deal with Death’s kiss.
I opened my eyes and I was falling.

Lights blinded me in a dazzling white.
And I feel the pain and disappointment inside.
Consciousness regained in fright.
That I have missed Death’s ride.

- Memory Book Entry: September 21, 2002

The word that symbolizes truth and in all its glory. A thing that you hold true not just for yourself but to everyone else. It is beauty when shown in all ways but it is also considered a flaw… a vulnerable hit point that others easily prey on. A strength, a weakness… it could be a beginning… it could also mean an end.

Like what the song said, it is such a lonely word. But is it really lonely to share your true self to people that matters to you most? Or is it wasted because of the wrong people to whom you show it too? It is a virtue like no other, incorporated from one’s self since from the start and cannot be taken away that easily.

So many people, so many strangers, so many friends… to whom can I trust my true self? The honesty that I have within me, a part of me.

I haven’t got an answer to that question. For me, being honest comes in many different ways. There are things that I can say to one person that I cannot say to another person. Honesty comes with a matter of trust. For I cannot be completely honest with someone that I don’t have trust. It is complicated in some situations.

There are times in my life that I have been honest and open with people that they took me for granted or abused its power. I gave it to the wrong people. They are predators who hasm preyed on my vulnerability brought by an honest nature. But there are some who hold me tight even when the honesty hurts them, they did because you hold truth for them. That even if it brings them pain, they are glad for that sense of truhfulness you gave them. And those people value you more because of that, not throw you away and leave you because of the truth you hold.

Those experiences taught me a lot on where to put honesty in the right places and at the right time… most importantly to the right people. Everyone deserves honesty, I think we all do. But what goes in my mind, would it be reciprocated as the same as what you have given. Sometimes I think that what we give is not always the same as we receive and I am alright with that. We do all deserve honesty but the fact that it produces different reactions to different individuals is something totally unexpected that it could hold you up high or crush you to the ground.

Everyone deserves it but not all can take it.

Why am I writing all about this honesty stuff? When sometimes I cannot even be honest to myself. I deny truth to myself and hide it to others… keeping it all in until it dissolves my soul to tiny fragments of doubts and fear. It happens, it still does. But then I always recover because if I just keep it… it will get hold of me all at once and break me down. It is glad to know that there are people around you that breaks the truth, making it easier for you to swallow the bitter pill to be able to move on. They gave you honesty.

Those who did this for me, I am ever so grateful. Yes it hurts but I have learned a lot of things about it.

That no matter how you hide things… in the end it always show.

That truth always comes out in the surface… no matter how deep you keep it.

That it is better to be hurt by the truth… than to live in a lie.

That is better to be honest with others… the blame is not on you.

That some people think what a weakling you are for the honesty you show… when in fact you are strong and brave enough to be one.

And the last thing I have learned about honesty.

Is that it can also save a person’s life.

Three in the morning, the coldness envelopes the surrounding. The rain has just ended and I find myself on my own in the stillness of the full moon night. Still awake, cannot force myself to sleep when all of me is unstable… a restless rumbling in my heart… a war waging in my mind… darkness capturing my soul.

Why am I feeling this way? Shouldn’t I be lying unconsciously in my bed and savoring the taste of deep sleep? I hugged myself, this is one of those moments that I cannot understand myself. It’s far worse than when no one understands you. I pounded my fist on the pillow, it didn’t release the tension I feel. I got up and punched the wall, the aggraviation inside mounting. Hit once, hit twice, hit thrice… it doesn’t hurt. It hurts me more inside.

With the blood dripping slowly from the bruised knuckle, I made my way to the window and peered to the dark world outside. The silence, this city doesn’t have a life. My hand feeling burned from the cut and slowly I watched as the purest form of life energy glow with a devilish fire as it falls down to the floor… disappearing and tainting the rug with its sinful color.

A blink, a breath and I slowly cherish the pain. The pain from outside blending with the inside. A tear fall from my eyes, sliding down to my cheeks. It disappeared as quickly it appeared. That is for the agony not brought by the action but by the emotion and pysche. How dreadful it feels to be at that moment.

My eyes lingered and caught the clock as it hangs upon above the doorway. The second hands slowly ticking away. The sound it brings seems so loud like a bell that strikes at six o’clock reminding us of the prayers. Time, like any other things slowly slips away. It is made of bits and pieces that could be counted in to hours and minutes. And all of those slowly slipping by… slipping my by.

Changes, so many changes. No matter how we chose to remain what we are there are still changes. There is no escaping it. Everything goes through it, from the biggest to the smallest thing… there’s alway constant change. Some largely noticed while some so minute that you could barely recognize but it has changed.

And where it has happened there are those left wondering. When you don’t have to be left wondering because you are a wonder itself. No one can deny the fact that each one of us is a living wonder. Life is mysterious in its own ways and we are Life… or should I say part of Life itself.

So many thoughts stumbling through my head that I cannot sort it out. My hand continues to bleed as my body falls to the softness of my bed. Closing my eyes, all pains subside… except for the one inside my heart.

And he just came out. That night, we never expected it to happen but it did. We are so busy preparing dinner that it almost came as a shock. We are all dumbfounded but happy at the same time. I could say that it was the highlight of our dinner that night. The whole family could hardly believe it and excited.

I saw him and knew at that moment I have fallen in love. Just being "new" to the world, I don’t want him to be culture shocked so I have to take precautions. Stealing glances and trying to touch him whenever I can. Just a look and it bring smiles to my face. Cannot explain the way he makes me feel. This feeling I have, I just cannot contain it within myself.

Then the day came when I couldn’t hold back and took him in my arms. Mom and Dad was surprised to see us together but simply smiled. His mother, watching us angrily but gave out and stormed out of the room. I looked at him and at the door where his mother left out. She will get over it, I know… she is just being protective over her son. I never let it worry me because finally he is here with me.

For me, he is the most beautiful thing. As we lay beside each other in bed, I cannot help but watch as he softly sleeps. His chest heaving with every breath, making it go up and down. The warmth I feel every time I touch his body. To feel the beating of his heart and the softness of his skin. The way he turns his face when I tickle his chin and rubs his nose against mine… everything about him makes me adore him more.

But I know that we cannot always be together because his mother expects him always at her side. So there are moments that I have to let him go, only to find myself longing to be with him. Yet, life goes and I must wait every day until he can be in my arms again. And those times are when joy overflows from my heart. Those moments filled with smiles and laughter… he never fails to make me do so.

I would never like to let these kind of days pass by. If only I could choose to stay in this moment for all times then I would. But it could never be that way and there are sacrifices to be made. Yet there is joy through it all and I would never want to change a thing about us.

For tonight, he is far away but the morning gives a promise that we will be together again. Back to him, back in my arms. Finally, I got myself a new love. And I could never be more glad than to have him in our life… our new puppy.

Standing by the window, lost in thoughts as I stare to the world outside. The blazing sun above casts a heat that makes the horizon shimmer. I took my gaze away from the sight before me and slowly sat down on my bed. An uneventful afternoon that time is. A moment to be alone, here in my room… on my own.

The heat is unnerving, I got up again and opened the windows slightly farther apart. A rush of wind blows inside and made me smile. That feels much better. I went back and sat down on my bed. All that should be done are done and finding nothing else to do. Don’t want to go outside in this kind of heat unless I want to be burned alive. I sighed, so I guess I am stuck here.

I closed my eyes, a minute and it feels like eternity. Opening them, I feel the room getting darker. Strange, I muttered to myself. Took a look outside and it is getting darker too. I tried to get up to take a better look. But before I can even reach the window, the silence of the afternoon was shattered. Millions of tears from the sky fell down on our roof and it echoes throughout.

It is raining!

Quickly I run down only to see all of them standing by the window as the heaven continues to weep. The rain quenching down summer’s heat, replacing it with gentle coolness. Who would’ve thought that it will rain especially that we are in the middle of summer? I smiled and whispered my thanks to God.

The rain goes on and I went back to my room. I forgot that I have left the windows open and the water has gotten in. It wasn’t that much since there are no strong winds to blow the rain inside more than it should. Wiped the puddle out and I find myself standing beside the window again.

Watching as drops of water falls down from the leaves, listening to the angry fall of the raindrops, smelling the cool wind that drafts through the room and feeling happy about it. The sky never cease to cry over the land, time flies by and still I am here  fascinated with the most unexpected event.

I laid my weary body on my bed as the rain continues. Snuggling comfortably and hugging my pillows, I closed my eyes. Today, there are summer’s tears… tomorrow the sun will be burning again.

Raindrops are the bravest thing that God has created… because they are not afraid of falling down.

Lean on me, when you’re not strong.
And I’ll be your friend.
I’ll help you carry on.
For it won’t be long ’til I’m gonna need.
Somebody to lean on.

That is part of the song by "Bill Withers" entitled "Lean On Me". Who wouldn’t know this song? It is a song of friendship, love and trust. The words that transpires through the melody speaks of all a person can do for someone he or she truly cares about.

In this world, there are a lot of things trying to bring us down. There are times that we cannot handle it and tried to hide it on our own. We may pretend to be alright but inside we know that it is bothering us. We look for someone to turn to but don’t know who. It happens, not just to me but to all of us. Sometimes we tend to keep it to ourselves.

But there are those who can simply see the pain in your eyes in a glance. And though how much we try to conceal it, they are aware of the war surging in your heart and mind. They are looking through the difficulties of your situation and understands the reason why you cannot admit it to others.

Those are friends, true friends. People who care and knows what you are going through. They are the one you come to when you needed comfort from the pains of the world. Those who protect you from harm, not just from others but from yourself. Those who will cry with you when you are sad, laugh with you when you are happy, rejoice with you in celebration, kiss your tears away, hug you even how worse you look in some days, gives you time when you are alone and waits when you come back, remains silent when asked to and joins you to scream at the top of your lungs.

Friends are not just your so-called circle of friends. Family, relatives and lovers can be also be considered as friends. Friends are not jut those who are near or always beside you. Because in here, we all connect and have interaction with each other. We may not be able to see each other through the distance but we share a connection. An emotional connection rather than a physical connection and that what develops our friendship.

There are times that I, myself cannot indulge my feelings and problems with my friends around me. It is not that I am ashamed to tell them but there is something else that is holding me back. There are times that I need a moment to reflect first on the muddy waters before me. And from that I decide if I have to say it or not.

But in here, I can always open my self up. Because I found out that there are a lot of people out there that can relate to what I am going through and could help me better. It is not that my friends near me cannot but sometimes different views give me more insight. The truth is, people around here tends to get drastic over things and I don’t want more drama than to what I am having at the moment. So the best way I can resolve things is to ask my friends from different places for opinions or help.

And yet, there are also things and situations that I can’t tell here over the net and better kept within the premises. So I think it is pretty fair to have things in balance when asking for help. But even though, all of you are still my friends and nothing can change that fact.

Being near or far, always remember that I am here. I may not be the best but I am true and that is something I guarantee for those who I entrust a piece of my heart. You my friends have become my shelter and in return I want to be your shelter too when needed be. I will be here for all of you, needed or not. For me that’s what a true friend is.

- francois -